I have always pondered this question: is love a choice? If so, what is the selection criteria? Or rather, who creates the criteria: is there a universal benchmark or are standards individually established?
When solving the former question, most people would answer yes: love is a choice and that the individual chooses who and whether to love at all. Invariably, to love is a person’s sole decision and nobody else’s business. But on closer inspection this opinion (the belief that love is an individualistically driven choice) reveals itself to be dangerous. Arguably, attaching love to ‘choice’ introduces dissatisfaction and potential tragedy into life.
To understand this, one must explore the meaning of choice and the impact of its application in one’s life. Choice creates a window of options or possibilities: which, consequently, gives room for something other than love to come into existence. This can be explained using two scenarios.
The first can be found when returning back to my initial question, of what is the selection criteria for love. Any considered answer becomes wider once choice is introduced. People can use a variety of physical attributes as a measure for when deciding who to give love to. This can be anything like having straight black hair or hazel eyes – most defer to the highly popularised: “tall, dark and handsome” aesthetic. Love does not exist alone in this scenario as one can clearly count vanity and the promotion of self-interests. Automatically, choice has created a restriction on the number of people who would fall into a “loveable” category only because they look a certain way. Conversely, a select criterion does not have to be based on physical looks alone, but it could include factors such as socio-economic class, family history, religion and race. Dangerously, should a person not find someone to love, they’ll be unknowingly choosing to live life alone. The bitterness from failing to find someone to love would cause the individual to fall back into something else: like hate or indifference to people. Interestingly, those who are deemed “un-loveable” would also find themselves falling into the same negative pool of emotions. In this illustration, choice has created a lonelier world for everyone.
The second scenario approaches the question of choice in love by exploring the human psyche. If you accept love as a choice then you should not be angry or surprised when people choose to be nasty to you – notably, they owe you no consideration, affection, appreciation or forgiveness. They are simply doing what you are doing too, exercising a choice.
Today, choice prompts the conscious or unconscious desire to use the words ‘l love you’ as a trade-off for love: akin to quid pro quo. The pressure to say the phrase has created two things; weaponised the expression as people now say it without meaning it in order to make themselves look good, create bond and trust or offer security to the recipient. I have always wondered if these three words are coming from a good place or whether they are unconsciously manipulative by design? What happens if we decide not to exchange words of ‘l love you’ to each other, would one feel less love? How do we respond to those who do not reciprocate these words? Do you give them the leeway to exercise their choice of indifference or hatefulness towards you?
We are told that God is love and we are created in the image of God. We are created to be love, to want love and to give love. Love is caring and forgiving even in little doses. When love is understood, being a doormat or a person with little or no self-value is not possible.
By maintaining love is a choice, we create indifference and hate on a two-way country lane. When God directs us to love our neighbour like ourselves, it follows that if you love yourself, you will reap the immeasurable benefits of loving others. More importantly, you will understand that the best love is the one you know you do not deserve or qualify for. Most marriages, friendships, family relationships, good neighbourliness that withstand the test of time, do so when love ceases to be a choice that is transactional with trade-offs. You accept people with their imperfections knowing that you also are imperfect. You cannot choose who and when to love: for you epitomise love. Your whole wellbeing is dependent on your understanding of love and how it works to keep your body and mind.
I thank you for joining me today and I pray you begin a new walk of love, one step at a time with practice and perseverance.
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